Lost in the Mall: An Adult’s Tale of Disorientation and Despair

 

                              

                                   Yes! Guys can get lost too!

There are two types of people in this world: those who can walk into a mall, shop efficiently, and walk straight back out; and then there are others, like me.

The last time I visited MegaMall Central, I was convinced I had a solid plan: get a birthday gift for my wife, grab a small toy for my dog, and be home in time for dinner. Easy. Right? But, within ten minutes, I was wandering like a lost explorer in an air-conditioned jungle, clutching a chew-toy and questioning my life choices.

The Descent into Disorientation

It started innocently enough. I parked near “Entrance C,” which—let’s be honest—means absolutely nothing once you’re inside. Mall entrance labels remind me of hurricane names -  random, unpredictable, and slightly menacing.

I took what I thought was a shortcut to the gift store. (Note to self: NEVER take shortcuts! They always take longer!) Ten minutes later, I was staring at a store called Hot Socks 2: The Sequel. I didn’t even know there was a Hot Socks 1.

I found a big digital map that said, “You Are Here.” Which would’ve been great—if I had any idea where “here” was in relation to anywhere else.

When Adults Lose Their Way

I’d like to think I’m a capable human being. I pay my bills. I take care of my family. I file my taxes (not always on time, though). I know how to cook pasta and drain it properly. Yet here I was, a grown adult, spinning in circles between “Forever Chic” and “Yesterday’s Trends,” hoping one of them secretly doubled as an exit. (You know how some stores can actually allow you to use their back door to exit?)

At one point, I passed the same fountain three times. The ducks carved into the marble started to feel like friends. I could even feel their eyes following me as I passed and re-passed them. I named one of them Gary. Gary was judgmental. (Yes, Mr. Gary! You are in the perfect position to judge me, because you have roved this entire complex, several times, and have always returned to that spot to which you’re transfixed!)

Why Malls Are Basically Mazes

Let’s be real, folks. Mega malls are designed to trap us. Psychologists could write dissertations about this (and probably have). Bright lights, pleasant scents, endless corridors—each one whispering, “Stay a little longer… maybe you need new shoes...”

Even the escalators are in on it. Ever notice how “Up” is never near “Down”? It’s a one-way ticket to mild panic and 8,000 unnecessary steps.

My Hero Moment

Well, this nightmare had to end. Eventually, I broke down and did the unthinkable: I asked for directions. (You know how we men hate to do that!)

A teenager at the information desk smiled politely, handed me a tiny paper map, and said, “It’s easy! Just walk past the second food court, turn left at Bubble Bliss, then right at the giant shoe.”

You ever realize how absurd instructions sound when your brain is fried? Also, I could have told her that I don’t know my left from my right, but, as a responsible adult, I didn’t want to burden a young person with my issues.)

I thanked her, pretended to understand, and promptly got lost again—but this time with confidence.

Five wrong turns later, no longer self-assured, I finally saw daylight. Tears actually flooded my eyes! As I hurried towards the light, I fervently hoped that it was not a mirage. I nearly sobbed when I entered the parking lot.

I will leave the saga of how I found “Entrance C” until another time.

I tell you, the lot of the directionally challenged is a tale that needs to be told! - ES

We Need Your Help

NB: Eric Segree is the pseudonym for a guy who will occasionally be a guest writer in this forum. He freely admits to losing his way more often than is comfortable and is among those who advocate for more accommodation for the directionally challenged.

In my book, Center Brained: Why you can’t tell left from right, east from west or north from south, I highlight a number of possible causes for directional challenge, some of the experiences of the directionally challenged, and I make some plausible suggestions about how the lot of the directionally challenged can be improved.

This book is available on Amazon, and other platforms, in hardcover, paperback, e-book and audible formats.

Pick up a copy, then after reading it, join the movement to let the world know of our existence, and needs!